If you’re lonely, you may be acutely aware of it or hardly at all. You may not want to admit to loneliness but, if you’re open to the possibility, then recognizing yourself in some of the signs in the list may tell you something. There’s an explosion of online material, including loneliness tests, to help you get an idea of whether you have a problem. But most reliable of all may be speaking with your GP to get their thoughts.

The reasons for so much modern loneliness are social as well as psychological so I’ll deal with each in turn. The complexity and scale of the problem are such that I can only scratch the surface here.

Social factors

Society has changed and we’ve lost our communities and therefore an inner sense of community. Relative social isolation is the lot of many. Work and college take us away from our original families and social networks and repeated redundancies may lead to repeated moving. Divorce is more frequent so life companions are fewer. Families are getting smaller with more single parents and more only children (sometimes especially prone to loneliness). We often bring up children away from our relatives. Former centres of meeting like churches or dance halls are emptier or non-existent. The cultural impetus is towards individualism, narcissism, independence, competitiveness, withdrawal, aggression and relationships with technology rather than with people. Cars insulate us from each other.

The county of Surrey, where I’m based, is often characterised by big houses hidden up big drives, tiring commutes, exhausting jobs, partners not seen enough and neighbours not seen at all. Social media connect people but if you have two hundred friends on Facebook does that mean you have two hundred friends? There’s something about face-to-face meeting that’s uniquely enriching. Finally, simple retirement can create loneliness as can stigma through race, sexuality, gender, disability or health.

Psychological factors

Some of the psychological causes of loneliness are obvious, some less so. Bereavement, the lack of a partner and unrequited love can all be factors. The lack of someone to understand us, recognise us or simply be there in the background can be agonising. Small wonder some people fear death less than loneliness.

Other causes may be more deep-seated. For example, every toddler needs a mother or caregiver who’s safely and consistently there. In later life the quest may be for a partner to provide similar stability and enrichment, without which there can be loneliness. But if the original caregiving goes wrong, the template for a fundamental insecurity and lack of trust in oneself and in others may be laid. There may be a sense of being unloveable or not good enough in some way. Childhood experiences of hurt, lack of love, trauma, abuse, neglect, abandonment, ridicule or deception can significantly contribute to loneliness both at the time and in adult life.

So it is that many of the psychological conditions I describe on this site can have the effect either of alienating people or keeping them at a safe distance. Narcissistic, borderline or paranoid traits, for instance, may do the former while schizoid, avoidant or depressive traits may do the latter. (For borderline, paranoid, schizoid and avoidant traits, please see the personality disorders page, remembering that people can have characteristics of a condition without having a full-blown personality disorder).

There are numerous self-help resources and also treatments available to combat the feeling of loneliness. Analytic psychotherapy may be a valuable way of dissipating it over time. (Remember that psychotherapy probably won’t achieve rapid results because it goes into the depths to tackle problems and that does take time.)

Psychotherapy provides a regular confidential space in which to think about loneliness and to identify its origins. It may be particularly helpful if the roots are in your childhood, in which case it may be possible to work through the causes and for significant changes in you and in your life to evolve naturally.

Group therapy can be of especial benefit. Although group members don’t meet outside the group and group analysis doesn’t provide ‘friends’ in that sense, it does offer a therapeutic social setting. In that setting, relating with others can be practised, problems can be worked through and a freer, more confident and more outward-looking stance can be deeply absorbed which may then be used to build new relationships in the outside world.

Enquire about psychotherapy for loneliness– I aim to respond promptly to enquiries.